Look at this picture. Do I look happy? Well, part of the reason, no, actually MOST of the reason is because I'm medicated, legally. If I wasn't medicated, I wouldn't be smiling on vacation, or be ON vacation for that matter, I wouldn't be in my chosen professions of college & art instructor, I wouldn't be a mom, I wouldn't have been married twice to nice guys, & have other dear relationships with family & friends...... I wouldn't have done a lot of things because chances are, I WOULDN'T BE HERE, I'd be DEAD. There I said it.......and I'll say it again. DEAD, & by my own hand for that matter.
This blog is for those of us who are educated about ourselves, reasonably well adjusted, & prior to taking charge of our clinical depression, were trying to SWIM THROUGH MUD. Looking forward to a place to share about it, to reduce the guilt about taking medication to STAY ALIVE & to hearing from you.....
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ReplyDeleteThis blog is a great idea, Diane. And I like keeping it small and personal for now . . . Hmm . . . mental illness. Yes, I could right a book I think. I could talk a/b my depression (now happily stabilized-- feel normal like in the "old" days) Or my mom or the experience of being my sister's legal guardian b/c she's in a group home with mental illness/beginning dementia I'll comment on the guilt a/b taking a pill or pills to function. It's so interesting now looking back at how hard I struggled to not take medication, but when I finally couldn't get out of bed and then when I did it felt like I was walking on shards of glass always hoping no one would talk to me or even look at me for that matter-- NOT taking a pill seemed much less important. And I did feel guilty especially being in the healing arts and having clients that were doing their own inner mental health work and looked at me at an example of being a stable mentally healthy human who was holding a sacred safe space for them!! What initially helped me to get out of the guilt mindset was a book I read, "Unholy Ghosts"? I think. It was an anthology of famous authors who wrote a/b their own mental illness. A couple of the authors where famous psychologists. I was blown away that a practicing well respected psychologist would be courageous enough to put her "secret" in writing! Now I see that she was modeling healthy behavior. It normalized and validated my own experiences as a mental health professional. The guilt is gone. (Sing that to "the thrill is gone :-)" I don't feel the least bit guilty any more ever! The people who have things to say against others taking meds to feel well are either deflecting their own fears a/b that they might need to be doing the same thing or just can't understand what it feels like to be seriously depressed.
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you and thank you again. The 'friend' who made the comment regarding taking medication for some reason just fried me; I think because she said she had chosen 'spirituality' instead. I did not even know where to begin with that one. I would have crawled on my knees to & prostated myself at the Vatican if I thought it would have taken away my desire to jump off the nearest bridge. But no........she WAS talking spirituality, which I know is a much different thing, & she hardly meant it was the end all either. I would like to hear others talk about the DIFFERENCE between sadness and depression because often I hear meds referred to in larger society as HAPPY pills.
ReplyDeleteI know. People think it's like having a margarita or a snort of cocaine or something like that. Maybe they think that b/c when a depressed person feels "normal" it feels so wonderful. I remember one day walking around Pike Street Market w Deb. It dawned on me that I was actually enjoying myself: people watching, seeing the colors of fruits and flowers, etc. etc. Before I wouldn't have even gone or if I did I would have been miserable or just numb. The expression I always used to use when I was in my depressed state was ' trying to move as if I was underwater' i.e. slow, muted . . . AND . . . I am very spiritual person who takes medications. In fact Babba Yaga the great goddess told me to. Her and other little voices . . . .
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