Wednesday, June 9, 2010

A LONG BREAK

It has been a long break from this blog, but indeed a necessary one. Since my last post, I became unemployed, (like a lot of the country) & had to deal with a MOTHER LOAD of swimming through MUD! But you know what? I made it through. The SUN has even started to shine through around these NW parts a bit more, which is matching my steadily rising mood. Well, I'm not sure that is exactly true, but at least I'm not in full out PANIC anymore.

I've learned since December that losing your job IS a death, & without knowing why until now, I HAVE spent a lot of the last six months thinking about death. Part of it chemical I'm sure, but for the other part, the actual stages of death have been playing out like clockwork; anger, denial, sadness, anger again, acceptance, denial again, etc....

MY sense of self has been SO much tied up in what I DO, (OR DID), that it's been hard to see a way around it to something else, especially in this crappy economy. BEYOND THAT is the sheer TERROR of actually LOOKING for a new JOB & that's about how I approached it initially. WHAT DO I KNOW? WHAT CAN I DO NOW to keep me financially safe while I follow my actual dreams on the side?

SO.....I applied for ALL the familiar jobs & could not believe I wasn't getting anywhere. Come on! I can do this with my eyes closed! And there in a nut shell was the problem. I can't do work anymore with my eyes CLOSED. What I did worked because I was trying to raise a disabled child up through his first 10 years & needed to be readily available at all times. Well, he's starting to become more independent & honestly doesn't need that level of hyper vigilence anymore. That's a good thing! So, now I can do work with my eyes OPEN more towards me & my needs.

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