http://www.hellohumans.co/blog/how-i-managed-not-to-kill-myself-yesterday
Sam Lamott; January 2017
Hello Humans,
Congratulations:
you’ve survived the holidays. For some of us saying that takes on a
whole new meaning. It is not a cute phrase but a literal statement that
we have, in fact, survived. The holiday season can be an onslaught of
commercialism and happiness (genuine or not), and although there is
nothing wrong with the celebrating, it can be a painful reminder of the
things we don't feel, objects we can’t afford, and missing pieces we
don't have. It is an exercise in endurance and grit, a magnifier of all
life’s shit and discomfort. In a previous blog post I named this group
of people who experience these issues as “the tribe of still alive”, and
if you consider yourself a member of still alive, then this love letter
is for you, and I’m glad you found it.
It has become abundantly
clear to me that my mind wants me dead. In the absence of a nice slow
death from drug and alcohol abuse, this has turned into something less
nuanced. I’ve found merely existing exhausting at times. I have so many
things to live for and be grateful for, but they conveniently escape me
when I'm going through a bad stretch. I take the right action— see a
therapist and psychiatrist, go to support groups, and try to take care
of myself but still, there is no fool proof protection from the faulty
wiring.
A few days ago I found myself on the phone with the
suicide prevention lifeline,
a phone number you’re either familiar with, or should become familiar
with as a tribe member. This turn of events is still embarrassing to
admit, as these thoughts are confusing and don't match up with the
wonderful life I actually have in front of me. I felt guilty and
ashamed, and I didn't have the strength to call anybody in my regular
support network of friends and loved ones. My mind was fearful I would
be a burden on them. It’s this shame and guilt that makes this such a
deadly issue. Our minds tell us to hide, to pretend it isn't there, and
not to “bother” the people we would effect if we were no longer living
(and who would do anything to help us.)
I didn't call the phone
number with a razor to my wrist, or at the edge of the bridge. I hadn't
actually planned out how one should go about not existing, and to be
honest, there is no option that seems very attractive at this time. My
point is, you don’t have to be in imminent physical danger for these
thoughts to be life-threatening and dangerous, and you can reach out
with nothing more than the desire to not feel the way you are currently
feeling.
Our tribe has lost some amazing members this season, and
it welcomes a new batch who may be finding themselves with something
new, confusing, or terrifying they may not be familiar with. I want to
go on the record and say that I, Sam Lamott, am a proud member of still
alive, I find existing exhausting at times, and I want to renew my
membership. If you are also a member, then I am your brother, we are
family, and you are not alone.
If you're struggling
with suicidal thoughts please call the suicide prevention lifeline
available 24 hours a day, every day at 1-800-273-8255 or visit https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/